the best has yet to come!!

it's sad

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 12:20:00 PM

just don't understand where i've gone wrong...sigh..i know i was to much calling him so many times & he has already told me that he's out with alvin, yongsiang & amos to pub..but the problem is i was worried for him...i know his liquor is good won't get drunk easily but i'm just worried...(bu fang xin) sigh...i kept calling him till he answered his call...i know any guy or should i say everyone could not take it & might find this irritating...but someone, anyone, please tell me whether i've done any wrong...

before that about 1230am, i did smsed him to ask if he's going back soon, he said he's still there & might not be going home that early...(at least he replied & i didn't bother him till about 2am..it was kinda late already)
when he finally answered the call (i supposed there were like 80 over missed calls or slightly less), i asked him why he took so long to answer..he said alvin was vomiting...he went to accompany him...i still asked whether he's fine...DD said he's fine...i told him when he's back miss call me or sms me..he said ok & quickly hang up the call...he sound ok at time but i knew he was pissed...after we hung up, he smsed me saying this

DD: i feel so stress talking to you..(it did hurt me at that point of time)
me: y? i'm reali worried, not checking on u or anytink
DD: u're just so irritating la...totally spoil my mood lor..here i am happily drinking with them & you keep calling..
me: like i said i was just being worried..
DD: worried for what?? i oreadi 21 yrs old..u crazy ah?

sigh...& it started...know what, i was getting paranoid at first to why he wasn't answering my calls...it's just...sigh...i just can't take it la...soemtimes i'm just mad with this old problem i'm having...but then, on second thoughts, had DD wanted to know other girls, he would have already done so...so i trust that he wouldn't do these type of stuff...but the main thing that i called him countless times was because i'm just worried...i'm plain worried & nothing else...i'm SERIOUS!!! can you believe me?? he just feels that i'm some irritating person that wants to check on him making some excuses that i'm worried...but let me tell i'm not...

he said lots of hurtful things that i don't wish to mention here...about my family, about me...

sigh, DD, do you know something...i just realised this not long ago...i don't know why but i've always got the urge to buy things for you whenever i'm out...it just comes so naturally..knowing that i'm broke, i'll still buy it for you no matter what..of course i don't buy things that you detest..i don't expect any returns from buying you things...all i wanted was to see you smile each time you received somehting from me...i'm contented just to see that...last night, many thoughts were running through my mind....although i've not been able to forgive you for saying such things that hurts deep down inside that fragile little heart but i take it as you're saying things out of pique...

when you mentioned about not wanting to go corrine's birthday party, i knew it long ago...you did mentioned before..but i thought that was meant to be a casual remark or something...you said you wanted to accompany your mum & you feel bad for leaving her alone as you can tell that she wants to go out with you but just that you spend your time with me...& you did mention last sat that you'll be going out with her...asking me whether i would want to tag along...you're asking the obvious though...lols...but DD, i did tell you that if you want, then just go ahead lor, after shopping for my brother's birthday present, you go off lor...but you told me it's ok...after going to corrine's chalet then you go find your mum...you actually messed up my hair & made me smile knowing how much i wanted you to be there...ended up, we stayed quite late so you didn't meet your mum but actually meet her at home...i feel bad already for asking you to spend on my brother's present but you said it's alright...being at my corrine's chalet, with my family there was really an enjoyable day...you finally can see my grandmother, my grandfather & all my aunts & uncles with my cousins..that kind of feeling, it's hard to desribe..just like how you felt when you brought me to meet all your other family members to your waigong's place, 4th uncle's place etc...but when i heard you saying that i forced you to go cuz' you didn't wanted to go initially & wanted to accompany your mum, my heart sank....sigh...trying to bring you closer to my family, getting to know them, is it so difficult?? asking you to have a closer bond with my parents so that they can actually feel that you're the one for me (especially my mum) & prove to them that you're not the bad guy...sigh...is it so diffcult?? it's just like the begining DD...where i tried means & ways to strike a conversation with your mum cuz' i thought she didn't liked me...but DD, the fact that i had tried means i'm doing something...but DD, have you?? you didn't want to get closer to my family...especially my parents...when you said that last night nothing is more important than your family, my heart was torn apart...are you trying to tell me that mine's not important at all?? can't you see what i'm trying to get at after so long?? i just want you to be like me, talking comfortably with my parents...is that so diffcult or too much to ask for??

i know that sometimes i have this stupid habit where i must call you, sms you, like i can't wait that kind...but DD, do you know that i xin ji ma?? i don't know why...till now that i haven't got over that incident..here i am telling you that i've gotten over it but there, deep down inside that fragile little heart, i didn't dared to say it out loud that i've gotten over it!! i know, like what you said it's irritating being paranoid at almost every little thing but then DD, can you understand me?? can't you be more forgiving?? just giving in to me by just replying my sms?? just replying will do...i don't need you to call me...sigh...you told me that i can't wait...let me tell you DD, do you know that i've been trying very hard to?? if that incident hadn't occured, i will not be so paranoid against you...but the fact that it actually happened & that i have forgiven you, the impact you left behind, the shattered glass that i have to pick, the pain where i have to piece all that shattered glass together, you think i like it??? i know you might be telling me this: since you feel so xinku, why not just leave me??? but DD, did you know why, why i don't want to leave, why do i want to still continue to pick up the shattered glass with my bare hands & piecing them up together?? when i had forgiven you, i told myself, it's not going to be easy melissa, the trust i've once gave you, the betrayal, the pain inflicted on me, me being so paranoid against you...i know, before i've fully regain this & forget the whole thing, you would've already left me...because you couldn't take it anymore...but DD, you said that you'll be with me to fight this & you'll give in & forgive me cuz' of the pain you've inflicted...are you really saying this cuz' you want me to forgive you?? or, is it true right from the bottom of your heart...cuz' if it's true, things wou;dn't have gone haywired till now...

i really don't wish to rake up the unhappy past...in fact, i've been a stronger girl than before...being able to see through lots of things...you guiding me along as my support, i have no worries at all...although sometimes i tend to get immature but that's just the cute side of me...you'll laugh when i'm being childish...& everytime i hear your laughter, being xiao qi & throwing tantrums at times really is worhtwhile...i've been doing this so i can hear you laughing...i miss it DD...i really miss it...maybe you think that me acting childish will irritate you but then, i meant for the better...maybe i should stop doing all these..being myself would be the best...the plain old me that i used to be when you just started to know me...perhaps that way, you'll feel more comfortable, more stress free...i've been thinking since last night about things that i've done that make you feel so uneasy being with me...maybe i shouldn't go for the extra mile to work on our relationship...i should just leave it as it is...you keep telling me let nature takes its course...but do you know what it actually means?? sometimes letting nature takes its own course doesn't help in fact, before you knew it, it's already too late...

DD, what i can say is, i still care a lot for you...that's what they called going through thick & thin together...since things have gone haywired till this way, all i can say is I'M REALLY AM SORRY ABOUT THIS...who can i blame?? only me...i think i shall not bother you next month...maybe this was what god planned...putting us in a series of obstacles...but it's ok...i shall not bother you next month...most of my off days are not on weekends...maybe you can have more than enough time to spend with your beloved family...it's more important...

i really wish that i could turn back time & prevent that incident from happening...maybe from there, i can still be just myself...let you be the most carefree person...but it's impossible...sometimes, we should make the impossible, possible...one day, i'll get done & over it...will that day ever come?? maybe by the time it comes, you'll be gone...sigh...whatever the case, it doesn't work out...sigh...just wish that i could've had more time...