today i'm off.. i know,it's been a long long time...lots has happened...

just a few days ago we had a quarrel...yeah, i know...wasn't feeling that good when on flight...he used such words that pierce right through my heart...it really hurts...sigh...then after that, when i touchdown in shenzhen, i saw his sms...know what he send...

i apologise for all the previous msgs i've sent..haiz, it's all words kept in my heart for so long..i ask you over is because i know you miss me, i know you want a hug...

the second sms:
it's for me to know...i'd rather not say it here...

it really touched my heart...i was in tears when i read it...but when i thought of him scolding me for things i hadn't done, hatred has engulfed me...i really didn't had the mood to work, instead i was feeling so so down....already so pissed with the stupid schedule now that i have to rush to work after school on every wednesday & perhaps a few mondays...it's already so so tiring...& then, this has to start...i thought all was well since the day i've forgiven him??

sometimes, i only have myself to blame...i blame myself for thinking too much at times...but i just can't helped it...you want me to erase the hurt?? nah, not so easily...that hurt will still remain till the day i die...unless, if i met with an accident, which erased all my memories...those unwanted memories...i think that will be good which i can then be back to my normal self & go back to those days...sigh...sometimes i just wished that i hadn't done all those things...invading his privacy really is so bad...that was the past...if i hadn't done that maybe things wouldn't turn out like that...making him feel so frustrated that he doesn't has his own space for doing things...

i know, i can't change the fact...but for me thinking like that, it all links to some stuff...i just wished that i can think normally...as in...not those...but i can't i just can't stop myself from thinking that way...tell me how??? i wish i can let him be me just for a day...so that he can understand how i feel deep inside...how horrible it is...but i can't...can someone just help me?? save me from the misery...it sucks!!! i just wish i can erase the past!! the hurtful past!!! but i can't...thoughts about my Os will lead me to the disaster i dread!!! i just wish it can all go away...so i can stop being like this...

MELISSA WAKE UP!!!! PLEASE STOP LIVING IN A LIFE FULL OF MISERY...WE ALL LIVE IN A LIFE FULL OF HOPE...THINK LIKEWISE...IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT...

that's what i told myself everytime...but i just can't do it!!! lots has told me to leave if things didn't go well...i chose not to...i chose not to accept the fact..seriously i'm living in a world of delusion...i'm deceiving myself..but what choice do i have...i'm used to having him for 3 years...3 solid years with lots of ups & downs...telling me to let go now?? why should i?? since i'm able to keep up with all these shit, why let it bother me?? this was what i've been telling myself...how...ARGH!!!! i hate myself!!! really..why can't i be like any other normal gf that people has?? instead of going in a relationship that's full of suspicions, why not be open to each other...that is the part i've been trying to convince him...


DD, i seriously don't mind you knowing people...just let me know, is it so difficult?? i don't like & don't hide things from you...why can't you be like me...sigh...maybe it takes time...but how long more do you need?? nevermind, i've already given up...it's ok...i should just forget about the thought...sigh...


it may be so nice with the life i'm having now...DD & my mom...i just hope that this remains...as in forever...i don't want to get scolded by mom & DD...i just want life the way it is now...i don't mind being tired...but not being sad...the question is...will this remain like this or it's just only a few days...the only answer, i have to experience this again...



p.s: i don't want the life like it was...it turned out so well & after a few days, everything was back to square one...sigh...

Labels: depressed