got awakened by a call from him...answered already but then, he hung up...didn't call him back...i still took awhile before getting up...at first i thought i was dreaming...cuz' i just woke up & everything's like groggy...then i checked my cell again, 1 missed call..it was from him...smsed him asked him what is it...he asked whether i'm working...i said i'm on sby..& asked if this is real, thought he hated me that much...he wanted to meet for a talk...i said alright..he said he don't hate anyone...those were just words of anger...i was like ok...then after that i told him to meet about 1130am, he said nevermind...i was angry at first cuz' i was thinking, what does he treat me as?? you want you meet la, don't want then don't even bother to sms...then he said he need to meet his coast guard friends at 1530 for bowling & he have not reached home yet...seriously, i didn't asked him, but he told me...i was like, make up your mind!!! ended up i told him, if it's too rush it's ok...i was online all the while...then saw him...i asked him i thought you have not reached home yet? he said he just got back...i said ok..then he said ps, he kinda tired...i said nevermind..then we chatted on msn for awhile...about the display picture he had...there's one machiam like go jail like that...haha..but i still prefered the one where he stood by the sea & took..it's nice...went on to tell me about those two pictures...

i was thinking, i didn't know in camp, you can take such nice pictures...omg!! it's really nice..i love it!! then he told me he want to meet me...i was like.....thought he said he's tired? hmm..asked him then he said no, don't mind to meet..i said ok lor..he told me he go bathe all that...have lunch then come over...waited for him to come..he reached ler..let him in...he sat my room...first thing he did was tell me about the wing chun thing...the wushu thing...he taught me how to defend myself...i was like...ok..try lor although i was like thinking, erm, i thought we were supposed to have a chat...maybe that's how he wanted to start the whole conversation ba?? mastered it la..but only the starting...my wrists are really sore now...it's really pain..just hope that i don't have blue black lols...then he told me he wanted a hug...i was like...erm...i thought he hated me so much?? & now this has to happen again...asked me to close the door...i didn't want to...& shit...i shouldn't asked that...sigh...i asked him how are things with his sister...whether his sister talked to him...he suddenly changed...to become so sad & answered no...told him i smsed her yesterday about the threading but she didn't replied..saw him clenched his fists...then he's really sad...i was like...melissa!!! what the hell are you doing!!!! why are you asking him such questions....then i told him, wei, don't like that lei...seeing him that way really ached me...plus if he's hurt cuz' he hurt he's sister, what about me?? i'm hurt ten times the way how he hurt his sister...guilt, pain & hurt has engulfed me just like that...know how it feels?? i started to cry when i see him like that...it really aches me to see him this way...i really wanted to give him a hug but...it's ok...then he took his cell out to call somebody...after that, guessed that person didn't answered & he told me he's leaving...he ate his chocolate & while he was preparing, i asked him why you want to see me, thought you hated me? then he said, just want to talk for awhile...but nevermind now...i need to go...

in my heart, i was thinking...i knew it!! it's all cuz' of what i said...i ruined the chance of having a good talk with him...there's lotsa things to ask him but...i didn't get the chance...it's ok...somehow i need to face the fact...the fact that i can't ask him those....the guilt & everything...perhaps let this just be...time will heal everything but not now...slowly...i've gotten all so emo about it...when here i am saying all those...don't get him involved in your life & stuff...sigh...it's not about him...it's about his sis...sigh...who can understand this?? the pain i'm going through...at least he's not alone...but me? sigh...he has sean to accompany him...then again, my giddy spells came back...so shit!!! when he left, i felt so lonely once again...told myself not to CRY!!! what is it that i am crying for?? hello!!! he's so much hurt than you do....hope he's having fun with his mates...bowling has always been his favourite...go have fun ba...

after that, i went to look for songs..been doing that lately...suddenly thought about jay's song...then took my guitar that has been rotting for ages...tried on it...omg!!! i lost touch for like 2 years...now it's so so difficult & i've somewhat forgotten about the chords...shit...those simple ones...omg!!! can you believe it...i just try lor..& finally i'm getting the hang of it but still not as fast like last time...i don't think i know how to play jay's qing tian ler...sobx...but then, it's been really a long time ler...i still remember how i taught you & your sister to play the guitar...

i told myself, why am i getting involved with him once again...it's been like 5days that we didn't see each other, smsed each other or call each other...why let him bother you again...
let me tell you...right now, what he needs is accompany...he needs to keep himself occupied with stuff so that he won't think about his sis...

then again, what about me?? melissa, you only think about him, what about you?? well, i'm happy with things are...nobody's gone, i've hurt nobody in my family...but then, just that granny's like....yeah...going to visit her later when daddy comes back...hmm...it don't mind about me giving all that i have just for the sake of him...I DON'T MIND...what i want him to realise is that...face it!! it's over...just like me...for me, i still feel the hurt inside...you think i liked it?? how is it when night falls? you think i'm having a great time sleeping?? how i suffered, how i can't have proper meals & how i think about you, about the happy times spent? how about that incident...what i said...your friends told me that i did it without thinking of the consequences...but do they ever consider that i didn't want you to hurt her?? you think i don't know how much you dote on her?? your love for her?? i didn't even want you to link it to her...but you did...i didn't know that you will link her to me...i thought you will just hate me & that's it...end of story...sigh...nevermind now, no point harping on it..it's already over....right now, all we can do is to move on...move forward...sink deeper if you continue like this...i told myself that too...well, if you are reading this, yes, try not to let it affect you...it's OVER!! just like me...what i said...it's not easy i know..i've been through what you have done before...the regrets...it took a long time to heal...but if you're positive & persistent about it, it will soon be over...if not, you just harp onto it like thinking about what you did, it's no point...will it change the fact that you hurt her?? no!! i was like you the other time...but then, after much thoughts, i CHOSE to stay positive & my brother forgave me slowly...it takes time and afterall, she's your sister...someone who's related to you...she'll come back...people may think, ya, it's easier said than done...but give it try...one day you will succeed...

i wanted to discuss with you how to cheer your sister up..but i can't...every time when i start that topic, you will just be sad..just by seeing you sad, my mood is not there already...i just want you happy...happy like the way you used to be....thought of getting your sister the camera she wanted...i had forgotten the model of the camera...but i think it's something like the one that your sis lend from her friend during your chalet...i don't mind spending it & gave it to her as long as it cheers her up...she wanted to get it long time ago when your dad brought her to buy a camera..ended up she got that...she wasn't happy...she told me before...you don't know what we talked after we broke up...i met her...she's really a nice, understanding & matured girl...really...just give her sometime to cool...trust me, i know what she wants...together, if you want, i can tell you what we talked the other day...just normal talk about your family, her life...really...i will want to make this a perfect ending...together with your parents...really...i don't want to see your family fall apart like how mine is...do let me know =) take care...

sian, tomorrow another morning flight argh!!! need to reach airport at 510am...ending work at 2pm...what a day tomorrow..sigh...

i know this post is all about him...but then, i'm really sincere in helping him to change the whole of a family...i believe that through thick & thin, the bond in a family will get stronger...even stronger than anything..even though i don't mind playing the bad person...really...as long as it's for you & your family, everything is worth =D take it as a blessing in disguise...


Bye Bye - Mariah Carey

it's really a nice & meaningful song...the mtv is really great...the lyrics too...i really love this song so much!!! to all of the closest ones & people who are dear to me out there =D

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