argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why is it that my parents are so farking different!! especially my mother!!! i just wish that i had parents who are so nice!!

does laundry, cooks, packs your stuff, understands that you are tired after work and stuff...

my mother???

fark it man!!! fark!! it's farkin shit i tell you!!! damn!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so seriously angry and pissed...whatever that you call it!! once she got home, she started it!!! nag and nag!! just shut the fark up la!! i don't know whether i've owned her in my previous life...i seriously don't need my parents lor really!!! i can be that independent!! since young, i already so used to it!! no matter what i do, in their eyes, i'm always the one that's the BAD child...i still remember when i was at my old home back in bukit gombak where it was a massionate..eh i don't know how to spell it...it's like those house where there are two floors...i used to hide at the corner near the stairs just to watch tv at night...cuz' my study room's downstairs, my bedroom's upstairs...i have to act like the very "HARDWORKING" one to study and then go to sleep early upstairs...so ya, pretend like i'm sleeping and went up but was just sitting near the stairs to watch tv...sigh...when anyone walks past, i have to move or so called run further up to hide...once the coast is clear then only i move back to the place to watch tv..it's very tough to sit there and watch cuz' it's like cramped, uncomfortable blah blah...you know la...

the first time when i got my menses, it wasn't my mother who taught me about girl's stuff, it was my MAID...imagine that!! a mother not teaching a daughter what to do...WTH!!! sigh...i really farking hate my mother since i was young...no doubt she gave life to me, suffered all the pain to just give birth to me, i do appreciate that!! but why?? the way she talked to my brother and the way she talks to me are totally different!!! even my primary school friend SHEENA who came over to ask my brother for help in her photoshop thing last year, felt that way...it's so obvious...at first, i thought it was me who thought about it too much..but NO!! even my friend said so!! it's proven!!!

FARK my life man!! really...during the time when i got my N level results, i didn't want to retain and start all over again!! i farking know myself damn farking well!!! don't want to listen nevermind, force me to retain..what the hell la!! i just want to go on to ITE to take a course i want cuz' it's like my grades aren't so bad lor..just that i got 11points and couldn't make it to sec5 which was the 10points...shit la!! plus you know what?? i farking pass my maths lor..i got a B4 lor...from the way i studied and stuff, i couldn't possibly pass it cuz' i flunk almost every subject in school...not really fail but like just pass or maybe slightly better, 60% like that lor...other than my F&N i couldn't do well in the other subjects...it's so amazing that i passed almost everything in my Ns lor...really!! i wasn't sad that i couldn't move on to sec5 but i thought it as a good way where god's letting me unleash my potential in ITE perhaps...although i was disappointed in myself that i couldn't move on...but no, i take it positively...

retained and got like an 8points which was like so farking waste of time lor!! cb!! move on to sec5, so what??? struggle like mad!! which i already saw this coming...everything was massive...just so suddenly...i admit i'm a slow learner..but slow in studies...i excel in hands on...that gave the reason why i did perfectly well for my F&N!! and please la, doing something that i like or have passion in, definitely i'll put 101% effort in it...i'll top the level and everything...TRUST ME MAN i will!! just like my grades for F&N...don't want to listen lor...make me walk such a big round and ended up going back to ITE!! where i could've gotten a scholarship or something and completing my first year!! wtf man!! sigh...failed Os nevermind...got like 26++ points...no poly wants me...so i hecked...then mum saw this ad in classifieds...that's how i got into tiger...sigh!!

regretted man!! my time in secondary school...why didn't i insisted!!! my mum was supportive of me to go into ITE as it was something i like to do...then she sided my dad...cuz' my dad's impression on ITE was like bad eggs, smoking blah blah...but i believe that if a person wants to learn bad, the person will eventually be bad...if the person has discipline, there's no way a person will turn bad!! so what's with the mentality that all students in ITE are bad eggs...students from there also excelled!! they got scholarship, topped the cohort, the school and some were given opportunities to study in reputable UNI...it's like what's so wrong to go to ITE...rather than what i'm doing now, wasting of time...sigh....it was just so wrong la..

everything in my farking life just doesn't seem to go well...is god punishing me for the sins i've done in my previous life?? i know i am thinking too much...but why is it that my mother treats me so differently??

another incident...i remembered there was once where i fainted in giordano(my previous workplace then) and was carried by DD to the clinic at CCK..was diagnosed that i was anaemic...i was like wth....when i went to see the doctor, i asked him, none of my family members has a history of that...when i left my medication where the other medicines are (that's where we have this little corner in the kitchen to put medication) she noticed it...it was my brother who told me that she had low blood pressure when she was younger...AGAIN!! fark!! it was again that wasn't said from her mouth to me...why is it that everything has to be out from someone else's mouth...why??? fark!!! i hate it!!! argh!!! does she even cared about me?? there was also another incident...was quite recent...last year...i had gastric and my low blood pressure came back..i went to the doctor's to check what happened to myself..guess what she said?? go fake MC again ah??? i was like thinking please lor this kinda thing fake what...as if low blood and gastric can fake!!! wth!!! then continue nagging...wa so many medication...waste money...there are still more medicines in the fridge what...why waste money to see doctor and get another new set of medications?? those in the fridge also haven't finish...i was like WTF!!!!! like HELLO?? THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER YOU'RE SPEAKING TO!!! NOT SOME OUTSIDER!! fark la...now you see what i mean...

i'm not saying that i hate my brother cuz' i used to do that when i was younger...i don't blame my brother for all that..in the past i was childish but now, i've been understanding and besides, i want the best for my brother...i'd rather he gets everything that's best for him...anyways i'm already like CUI liao...sucked at studies, in life everything a failure...unlike him...he has a better future, outstanding grades...so ya...i'd rather he gets the best!! but i'm just quite upset that we are both birthed by my mother, why is it that she treats my brother well but not me?? if my brother is sick, wa, she'll go buy food for him blah blah...ask him see a doctor (not taking expired medications) sigh...so unfair...that led me to hate my brother when i was younger...

but fark!! what is this!!! i barely get a day off like today..it was supposed to be sby la..but i didn't get called so it's considered off...plus tomorrow i'm doing india...it's like i'll be freaking tired lor...auntie lilian also understands what i'm going through la...know that flying is tiring all that...need time to rest and stuff...my mother??? why is it that others have to tell me things but not my OWN FARKING MOTHER?!!?!?!?? fark la...just fark lor...at least my dad does bother about me...fetching me to work despite the wee hours in the morning...he's nice...afraid i was hungry when i was in school the last time...everything...but seriously, i'd rather the amount i'm giving my mother to give all of them to my dad...cuz' giving to her is akin to nothing!!! for me i treat it as paying off my bills and everything..but as for my dad, i just treat it as giving him the cash...100 is enough lor for bills and everything...it's not as if i earn heaps of thousands that i can give so much...if i can give within my means i will...plus who doesn't need daily necessities?? tell me?? of course i need to buy them...cosmetics is a must for my job..and if i don't buy them, what am i going to tell my company?? clothes too...i need new clothes for going out, going to school...i can't possibly wear the same thing for consecutive a few days??? like duh?? what will people think of me..

argh!!! eveyrthing is so not right in my life...

if i ever earn lots, i really want to move out...i'm FARKING SERIOUS!! anyone wants to join?? go rent an apartment of something lor...live on my own, pay my own bills and everything so i can stop hearing things i don't wish to hear!!!

please lor, just because you think you're the sole breadwinner of this family, don't push your luck too much lor...don't push me hor i tell you!! if i blast i tell you, you'll regret it!! don't make yourself regret what you say cuz' i'll really move out and fan lian lor!!! i know she's working hard to make ends meet...supporting the family for all these years and not complaining even a little bit...everything she does it's for us...our studies and stuff...if not for her i won't be able to get into tiger too cuz' of the bond thing...with 8K you see...even if i can use my savings to tong that...but of course, i'm still afraid la...but ya, so what?? even though earning that much, can cause you to like boss everyone around?? what did you do when you get back?? at least for some other families like my cousin's, their mom does go to work like those 8-5 but when they are back, they still does the laundry, cooks and everything a mother should do...my mom??? wtf!!! argh!!! just fark it la...i'm, getting so sick and tired of this house!!! everytime when i'm back, i have this fear that she'll nag!! i had enough already lor...really enough!!! i just wished that i can be deaf!! really deaf so that i can't hear anything but just see her mouth nagging...isn't it great???sigh...whatever la...i don't care and don't want to bother anymore!!! i don't give a fark liao really!!!

that's why this year's mothers' day i didn't even bother to celebrate...not in the mood...i can't be bothered liao...just heck lor...that's what i can say!!! i hate her and i really FARKING HATE HER TO THE CORE!!! it's like she's not my mother lor...i'm still doubting whether i'm her real daughter?? even my 21st birthday, she didn't bother to celebrate...i have to plan everything myself...sigh...sad la...really...

i suppose everyone's 21st is like the most memorable ba...with everyone celebrating with you, cutting of cake, getting so many wonderful presents...what about me?? haha..when i tell people, i'm bound to be a laughing stock!!!!! like WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you know???

nobody was there...it was only i gathered my cousins along that i got a proper BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION...check out my post for my birthday...7th january this year...go see man...sigh...

she thinks i don't want to clear my room?? i'm just plain lazy i admit...why??? cuz' i'm too tired to do anything!!! i know my room's in a farking mess...you ask my company to give me more off days then...told you my room is farking small...from the time we moved in, i told you i wanted my brother's room..what did you tell me?? fark!!! and i think my brother doesn't need a big room lor..fark!! i just want to clear the whole damn room!!! i really want to!!! but look, i need time...i need my other off days...if i was given 2 off days straight, i wouldn't mind packing...but to give me a day work, a day off, how can i??? tell me?!?!?! fark!!! argh!!! shit la!!!

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