haha..today was a great day...went out with mummy & my brother...omg...it's like the first time my brother would want to go out with mummy...brother went to meet up with mummy first...i came about 2pm...i wanted to do my stuff first ma...then on the way, taking 190 that time, i was reading the book i borrowed from library =D really i smiled all the way lol...don't think that i'm mad cuz' what they said in there is really true =D they went to shop for his new year's shoes...then, went to taka's ajisen to have lunch...lols...i know, it's having that again...ordered the same thing..haha...volcano..i only eat that ramen...this time round, i couldn't finish...the stupid nauseous feeling came back...argh!!! it's so so not right...after that, really, it's shit!!! my giddy spells came back...when walking out from ajisen....argh....was real bad!!! don't want mummy to worry...just walk....was thinking, what in the world happened...was kinda tired la...sian lor...accompanied them just to go shopping for my brother...lols...first time right??? came back quite early...about 5pm...

just want to have a chat with him...but then, he ignored...wth...ignore then ignore lor...if you want to be enemies then be it la huh...tomorrow's a new year...it's going to be a whole new year...heck la what you want to do now...just being friends also in the wrong? well, if you find it like i'm irritating then just tell me straight in the face...don't need you to ignore me...still say those what about ignoring..nevermind...haha...what's said has already been said...who cares aye??? haha...

a friend said this to me just now...haha...he's really nice =) it's his first impression towards me...hee...

i would have expected you to be decisive with your actions and thoughts
because you express yourself confidently
and usually
people who are confident with expressing themselves
are quite decisive as a person
then again... such assumptions may not be right

i didn't know i was a STRONG girl in someone's mind...i thought i'm always the weakling...hee...*tsk tsk* i'll promise to be strong =D

this is really so true...
love is not about banging and locking into one person
love is all about searching for someone compatible
and moving on with better romance subsequently
love is about giving your everything
about sharing your weals & woes with each other..
the best way to keep love is to give it wings...

i'm just so happy!! *winks*

Labels: a new begining tomorrow

sorry to keep you guys from waiting...
wanted to blog yesterday after dinner but then...haha..something cropped up...went to meet him for a chat la..haha...at lot1..since i also didn't have anything to do...when we chatted, he seemed so different...glad he FINALLY knows what he wanted =D happy for him...really happy...well, learnt from him lots...and guess what...it's like he's got some kinda power to influence me to read up books on self improvement!! omg!! can you believe it??? it's so amazing...how can i be affected that much!! it's the first time i'm experiencing this...lols...then sean came down...both of them walked me back home...while we were walking, f*** my giddy spells were back again & this time it was really bad man!!! luckily, i didn't faint...cuz' it was like going on then off...black then white then blurry...sigh...luckily they were talking...i was listening but it was like some *iiiiiing* noise...sigh...then after that can hear what they were chatting about...cars...then i started to talk as i don't want to be bothered by the stupid sound & the vision...felt better only for awhile...finally walked to my house le!!! yay!!! took the lift back up alone...sigh...it was really bad...for a moment, i thought the lift blacked out...as in stopped...i couldn't see anything, wanted to press 10th floor but somehow i couldn't see...then my vision got back..quickly pressed & reached 10th floor...omg!!! it was really close...then again, i was holding onto the railings...they serve as a guide for me to walk all the way to my house...omg!!! mummy saw me, nagged at why i came back so late...i couldn't be bothered...it wasn't late lor...please!!! sigh...rested for awhile before drinking a cup of water...thought i need to finish my pills for gastric but then, nah, i have completed the course liao...so finally no more pills for me =D but then again, so what??? sigh...painted my nails & sleep ler....

oh yeah, watched sky of love yesterday again...indeed, this is like the 3rd time i'm watching this...it was a movie i loved so much!!! really!!! introduced by him...haha...watched on his cell once...then after that at zer's chalet where we just rent & watched haha...then yesterday...sigh...looking at hiro, it really reminds me of him...haha...his hair, his style, his temper anything!!! hiro is a guy who really loved her girl, mika deeply...when you guys watched that show, you'll understand what i meant..tears rolled down again...never failed to touch my heart...it's still the same feeling...that feeling i had back then when watching it...i thought this is just some movie i'll be watching it again..but then, no!!! the feeling's back...sigh...alright, i shall not talk about this anymore...

today, after flight, went to meet caiwei jie...i was there early so i popped by the library to look up for books...haha...found 2 & it wasn't what i wanted..then found another...stood & read...sick of standing so i went to find a seat...sat & read for awhile...then wanted to return & look for more books...suddenly, i thought better just hold on to the book...wanted to borrow it...guess what, i bumped into auntie karen...lols..didn't expect auntie karen to come...i thought we could chat...but then...nothing much la...talked about 2nd aunt...how bad she was..talking about granny...sigh...she has got cancer...colon cancer...and the best part, 2nd aunt is like....so what lor...talked about granny...if she were to stay at her place, then what will happen if granny one day pass away, how to do the funeral & all that...WTF la...i listen liao also DAMN F***ING angry la...how could she say that of her own mother?? i hate & despise people like that!!! when buying those tonic for granny, know what she said?? can we like share?? what do you mean by share??? isn't she your mother?? do you like need to share with your sisters to buy tonic for your OWN mother?? what la!!! buy tonic for own mother also want to save...WTF!?!?!!??!? argh...getting all so fed up la!!! tell me, will you not?? auntie karen say, that time she went to meet up with all the sisters ma..luckily mummy didn't went or not, she sure flared up de...please la, not only mummy, i think any sensible person would also think this is like....not right lor....argh!!! alright, let's not get her to this discussion...damn mad man!!!!

we wanted to have dinner at sakae de...ended up it's FULL HOUSE...no choice go ajisen eat lor...hmm...went there once...with yeah...haha...then ordered the norm i usually ordered lor...volcano ramen...couldn't finish the tofu...the side dish la...ended up caiwei jie take away lols...couldn't finish the food...i had lunch at like 4pm...not really nice at hanis la...so quite full...felt like puking after finishing my ramen sigh...went home alone...watched tv...then chatted only awhile...saw that nick...hmm...is he alright??? hope so ba...*god bless*

saw this...omg...
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No it's not. Please it's 2 scary!
Guy : Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl : *hugs him*
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and
put it on yourself? It's bugging me.
Girl:Alright, now slow down
Guy: I love you babe
Girl: I love you too, please just slow
down now! Please!

(in the paper the next day):

A motorcycle had crashed into a
building because of a brake failure.
Two people were on it, but only 1
had survived .

The truth was that halfway down the
road, the guy realized that his brakes
broke, but he didn't want to let
the girl know. Instead, he had her say
she loved him and felt her hug one last
time, then he had her wear his helmet
so
that she would live even though it
meant
that he would die.

seriously, i've been praying...praying for you, your family, everyone...closest to me...am so afraid i'll lose you guys one day...really...

song of the day

When Your Gone - Avril Lavigne

Labels: hang on melissa

here i am again...suddenly felt so emo...watched twilight just now on my com =) brother downloaded this quite long time...wanted to watch it with him originally but then now...hmm...nevermind la..watched it myself...it's really a touching story...but too bad, there's too much boring start & the climax was like so short...sigh...but overall not bad...

hmm..been wanting to catch a movie with...ya but then, i guess now...there's no chance...suddenly, this feeling came back...i shouldn't be thinking about it but then...hmm...when the feeling comes, it just comes...nothing can stop it from happening....just now when the wind blew just like that, guess what?? your scent came in, filling up every corner in my room...hmm...sigh...

i am trying not to think about it...but sometimes, when thinking about the memories we had, it made tears roll down just like that..haha..well, i'm fine..just feeling emotional right now...plus the effect of the song played on my blog...the times with you, your family & your friends...

supper, your bed, your scent, your smelly...haha...everything la...hmm...wanted to return you your birthday gift just now...smsed sean but he was driving...on second thoughts, i think it's alright ba...wanted to pass it to you tonight just to see you...but i think i better not...hmm...so long...

Labels: who's going to watch the fireworks and to celebrate my birthday with me again

omg!!! haha...flew with val again!!! it's been twice le...hee...so happy...together with marine & the new crew, perlin...i kept mixing her name up with belin's lols...& the fact that i saw belin in the briefing room when we arrived, i really got it all mixed up man!! lols...

yesterday was really a frustrating day for me man!!! called val to ask if she wanted to take uncle robert today ma...she said she's fine with anything..need a cab there anyways...then i called marine and asked her, she's not joining us...after that smsed uncle robert...he took so long to reply...ended up sms edward lor...he said he can pick us up...i was like yay!!! haha...then told him pick me up at 4am...then val about 415am...then went to paint my nails...tried on the new colour =) nice!! then watched the korean show about doctors de...they were operating on a patient...the heart & everything..omg!! it's really disgusting...my goosebumps were already out when i saw it...it's really real lor...then after that slept at 930pm...tried to sleep early la...cuz' today have to wake up at like 3am...so it's like 6hours of sleep lor...tried to sleep very badly la...know what?? my parents were watching the variety show after that la...was so loud man the volume!!! ended up i toss & turn in bed...couldn't get to sleep...felt so frustrated...then when i finally got to sleep...GUESS WHAT???? uncle robert called!!!!! omg!!! i really gotten into deep sleep soon ler lei...it's not easy you know...looked at the time...it was like 1030pm...at first i thought the flight might be cancelled or time is already up, i need to get up to go for work...but then, i still heard the television programme on so loudly...so i doubted it...omg!! he called 3 times lor...ended up picked up the call...told him i've gotten a cab le...cuz' i smsed him just now ma, he didn't replied..then he say sorry also cuz' he called quite late...then i tried so hard to sleep again man!!! argh!!! you know how frustrating ma???

then woke up by my third alarm!!! that's the last alarm man...i set 3 ma..just in case can't wake up...wa, all of them, i didn't wake up lor...wth...only the last one...got up to prepare...then waited for edward...wa, he still can sms me to say that he just went out of house....i was like...just hope he's not late...it was about 340am...true enough, he's late...got to my place at 420am...really late lor..thought there wasn't enough time to work...went to pick val up...then he sped all the way liao...reached there at 5am...phew!!! lucky!!! he said we owe him first cuz' no time liao...so next time take him then pay him lor...we were like ok...then quickly went off ler...wa...chiong ah!!! then reach briefing room...giddy spells were back...argh!!! then ignore lor...signed on ler then sit down...perlin didn't even introduce herself to me...winnie did...winnie looked like karmen that kinda version hee...she's not bad looking hor!! quite chio la..haha...huiwen was there saying she looked like marine...but no lor, don't look alike lei...then started briefing...perlin made marine angry...she didn't update her FDP la...diao...then still so defensive...wa, last time i like that, i also won't so defensive will apologise & apologise & ask the seniors how to do all that...wa, she power man!!! her fault liao but still defend...then start work lor...

on flight fun man!! cuz' of marine la...all the crap with the "forest" lols...and all the disgusting things la...haha...had lotsa fun la...although damn tired la...omg...went to meet sean after work...wa, luckily he smsed me to remind me or not, i really forgotten lor...i reached there first...wasn't really feeling very well...all thanks to it...had a blackout when i was on the way from yishun...so i think i didn't see sean's msg...when i reached yew tee, took out my cell & wanted to tell him reach le then only i saw his sms...which was too late le...he told me to sms him when i reached kranji...lols...but nevermind la...waited for him lor...while waiting, it's really very groggy...& mind you, i was sitting...can literally feel myself spinning away la...diao...like taking some kinda pills like that...he reached, took the stuff from him...actually to pass to grace de la...then took train to cck...he waiting to meet him...then i left first lor...wait there for what...now at home...so bored...& the best part, i have nothing to do...argh!!! don't know la...see how later...what to do...find things to do lor...maybe at night blog again...haha...wa, been having morning flights for quite sometime man!! hated it!! this coming tues also...mon & wed off...whee....exam break ma...haha...but then again, don't know what to do sia...

Labels: it's so boring at home

got awakened by a call from him...answered already but then, he hung up...didn't call him back...i still took awhile before getting up...at first i thought i was dreaming...cuz' i just woke up & everything's like groggy...then i checked my cell again, 1 missed call..it was from him...smsed him asked him what is it...he asked whether i'm working...i said i'm on sby..& asked if this is real, thought he hated me that much...he wanted to meet for a talk...i said alright..he said he don't hate anyone...those were just words of anger...i was like ok...then after that i told him to meet about 1130am, he said nevermind...i was angry at first cuz' i was thinking, what does he treat me as?? you want you meet la, don't want then don't even bother to sms...then he said he need to meet his coast guard friends at 1530 for bowling & he have not reached home yet...seriously, i didn't asked him, but he told me...i was like, make up your mind!!! ended up i told him, if it's too rush it's ok...i was online all the while...then saw him...i asked him i thought you have not reached home yet? he said he just got back...i said ok..then he said ps, he kinda tired...i said nevermind..then we chatted on msn for awhile...about the display picture he had...there's one machiam like go jail like that...haha..but i still prefered the one where he stood by the sea & took..it's nice...went on to tell me about those two pictures...

i was thinking, i didn't know in camp, you can take such nice pictures...omg!! it's really nice..i love it!! then he told me he want to meet me...i was like.....thought he said he's tired? hmm..asked him then he said no, don't mind to meet..i said ok lor..he told me he go bathe all that...have lunch then come over...waited for him to come..he reached ler..let him in...he sat my room...first thing he did was tell me about the wing chun thing...the wushu thing...he taught me how to defend myself...i was like...ok..try lor although i was like thinking, erm, i thought we were supposed to have a chat...maybe that's how he wanted to start the whole conversation ba?? mastered it la..but only the starting...my wrists are really sore now...it's really pain..just hope that i don't have blue black lols...then he told me he wanted a hug...i was like...erm...i thought he hated me so much?? & now this has to happen again...asked me to close the door...i didn't want to...& shit...i shouldn't asked that...sigh...i asked him how are things with his sister...whether his sister talked to him...he suddenly changed...to become so sad & answered no...told him i smsed her yesterday about the threading but she didn't replied..saw him clenched his fists...then he's really sad...i was like...melissa!!! what the hell are you doing!!!! why are you asking him such questions....then i told him, wei, don't like that lei...seeing him that way really ached me...plus if he's hurt cuz' he hurt he's sister, what about me?? i'm hurt ten times the way how he hurt his sister...guilt, pain & hurt has engulfed me just like that...know how it feels?? i started to cry when i see him like that...it really aches me to see him this way...i really wanted to give him a hug but...it's ok...then he took his cell out to call somebody...after that, guessed that person didn't answered & he told me he's leaving...he ate his chocolate & while he was preparing, i asked him why you want to see me, thought you hated me? then he said, just want to talk for awhile...but nevermind now...i need to go...

in my heart, i was thinking...i knew it!! it's all cuz' of what i said...i ruined the chance of having a good talk with him...there's lotsa things to ask him but...i didn't get the chance...it's ok...somehow i need to face the fact...the fact that i can't ask him those....the guilt & everything...perhaps let this just be...time will heal everything but not now...slowly...i've gotten all so emo about it...when here i am saying all those...don't get him involved in your life & stuff...sigh...it's not about him...it's about his sis...sigh...who can understand this?? the pain i'm going through...at least he's not alone...but me? sigh...he has sean to accompany him...then again, my giddy spells came back...so shit!!! when he left, i felt so lonely once again...told myself not to CRY!!! what is it that i am crying for?? hello!!! he's so much hurt than you do....hope he's having fun with his mates...bowling has always been his favourite...go have fun ba...

after that, i went to look for songs..been doing that lately...suddenly thought about jay's song...then took my guitar that has been rotting for ages...tried on it...omg!!! i lost touch for like 2 years...now it's so so difficult & i've somewhat forgotten about the chords...shit...those simple ones...omg!!! can you believe it...i just try lor..& finally i'm getting the hang of it but still not as fast like last time...i don't think i know how to play jay's qing tian ler...sobx...but then, it's been really a long time ler...i still remember how i taught you & your sister to play the guitar...

i told myself, why am i getting involved with him once again...it's been like 5days that we didn't see each other, smsed each other or call each other...why let him bother you again...
let me tell you...right now, what he needs is accompany...he needs to keep himself occupied with stuff so that he won't think about his sis...

then again, what about me?? melissa, you only think about him, what about you?? well, i'm happy with things are...nobody's gone, i've hurt nobody in my family...but then, just that granny's like....yeah...going to visit her later when daddy comes back...hmm...it don't mind about me giving all that i have just for the sake of him...I DON'T MIND...what i want him to realise is that...face it!! it's over...just like me...for me, i still feel the hurt inside...you think i liked it?? how is it when night falls? you think i'm having a great time sleeping?? how i suffered, how i can't have proper meals & how i think about you, about the happy times spent? how about that incident...what i said...your friends told me that i did it without thinking of the consequences...but do they ever consider that i didn't want you to hurt her?? you think i don't know how much you dote on her?? your love for her?? i didn't even want you to link it to her...but you did...i didn't know that you will link her to me...i thought you will just hate me & that's it...end of story...sigh...nevermind now, no point harping on it..it's already over....right now, all we can do is to move on...move forward...sink deeper if you continue like this...i told myself that too...well, if you are reading this, yes, try not to let it affect you...it's OVER!! just like me...what i said...it's not easy i know..i've been through what you have done before...the regrets...it took a long time to heal...but if you're positive & persistent about it, it will soon be over...if not, you just harp onto it like thinking about what you did, it's no point...will it change the fact that you hurt her?? no!! i was like you the other time...but then, after much thoughts, i CHOSE to stay positive & my brother forgave me slowly...it takes time and afterall, she's your sister...someone who's related to you...she'll come back...people may think, ya, it's easier said than done...but give it try...one day you will succeed...

i wanted to discuss with you how to cheer your sister up..but i can't...every time when i start that topic, you will just be sad..just by seeing you sad, my mood is not there already...i just want you happy...happy like the way you used to be....thought of getting your sister the camera she wanted...i had forgotten the model of the camera...but i think it's something like the one that your sis lend from her friend during your chalet...i don't mind spending it & gave it to her as long as it cheers her up...she wanted to get it long time ago when your dad brought her to buy a camera..ended up she got that...she wasn't happy...she told me before...you don't know what we talked after we broke up...i met her...she's really a nice, understanding & matured girl...really...just give her sometime to cool...trust me, i know what she wants...together, if you want, i can tell you what we talked the other day...just normal talk about your family, her life...really...i will want to make this a perfect ending...together with your parents...really...i don't want to see your family fall apart like how mine is...do let me know =) take care...

sian, tomorrow another morning flight argh!!! need to reach airport at 510am...ending work at 2pm...what a day tomorrow..sigh...

i know this post is all about him...but then, i'm really sincere in helping him to change the whole of a family...i believe that through thick & thin, the bond in a family will get stronger...even stronger than anything..even though i don't mind playing the bad person...really...as long as it's for you & your family, everything is worth =D take it as a blessing in disguise...


Bye Bye - Mariah Carey

it's really a nice & meaningful song...the mtv is really great...the lyrics too...i really love this song so much!!! to all of the closest ones & people who are dear to me out there =D

Labels: your scent filled up my whole room...

guess what...worked with daph today again =) with aslinda & kak mas...it's a 2 sector only...omg!!! so fun!! everything was done quickly....haha...nothing to do on the flight..i was really tired...hated morning flights that much...

same thing happened again...wanted to have something to eat...but then, i couldn't...still feel like vomiting...sigh...tummy wasn't feeling very good either...my giddy spells has been back again...this time, it's so much worse...when i'm seated, it should be better but then it didn't...at times, i have blackouts...my head will spin non-stop...sigh...i don't know what's happening to me...i told daph about it...she suggested me to go to the doctor's to check it out...plus i found out something...*it's not red, it's brown* sigh....why?? i'm really scared...so scared of what's going to happen to me...it's as if i got weaker each passing day...i don't want my mum to worry...even though i let her know, what's the use...all she will do is to nag...about me anyhow eating my food, blah blah blah...i still remembered the other time when i had gastric, he accompanied me to the doctor's, i was really scared...scared it might not be what i want to hear...as in something that will cause me to lie in hospital for days due to the massive pain i had...he told his mum about it, i won't forget what she did...she fed me with that "thai" medicine which helps really lots...plus she passed me ointment & asked me to rub it on my tummy...what about my mum?? all she said was: why waste money when you have the other medications at home?? that was when she saw the medicine i got from the doctor's....she didn't even asked what happened & stuff...sigh...was so hurt...

what will it be this time...going to the doctor's alone??? i don't think i can do it ba...my giddy spells has been very bad these days...thank god that i didn't faint while working...it would be terrible...while on ground, my giddy spells are back, while on air, i felt nauseous...it's been days since i last ate properly...when i was recovering from that incident, i was fine le after 3 weeks...lately last week, it came back...i didn't have the appetite to eat....i know myself very well, i can eat like a pig!!! i'm serious!!! but now, when i'm served with food, i can just eat a few mouth spoon & i'm full...sigh...colleauges all saw & asked what happened?? they were SHOCKED!! even daph...saw fifi just now...she took over our aircraft plus we had to do FULL AIC cuz' someone's onboard...but it's ok, it's his style....hmm...then fifi commented something...

fifi: mel, you look different!!!
me: of cuz' la!! i cut my hair what, duh!!!
fifi: no mel, different as in not your hair la, it's you!!!

we didn't have time to talk...so i went off...all i knew was she kept looking at me from like head to toe...something's like wrong...daph also said, your make up so light...don't need remove la...(that time wanted to remove ma...i got this habit...) seriously, i put on my makeup like how i used to what..the norm, what does she meant by my make up so light?? sigh...i really don't know lor...whether to go to the hospital straight so that when i'm at the doctor's, if they were to refer me to the hospital, at least i won't waste my trip la...but then again, going anywhere to these places ALONE??? sigh...i don't know...

i know, i can't depend on that particular person but it's ok..i'm not saying i'm going to let him know or whatever...he has his life & i don't want to be disturbing him...anyways, it's none of his business already...

sigh, what to do....i don't know why...i have enough sleep but then, i feel lethargic everytime...why is this so...what's happening to me?? i'm having my meals...but just that sometimes, i eat much lesser...it's not as if i don't eat right?? sigh...

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!! AND, SHOULD I GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR TO THE DOCTOR'S???? ARGH!! HOW FRUSTRATING BEING SO WEAK!!!!

went home with daph...know what?? when we came out from the toilet, i realised something!!! we're like sisters that just came back from bangkok lols...know what?? it's a pity i forgotten to take my camera out & take it!!! daph was wearing a white top with black shorts, i was wearing the opposite!!! lols...the black-white clan!!! haha...went to hanis to get peach tart!! my favourite!! while daph got her blueberry cheesecake!! wa, these few days, she eat a lot lei...wait for the bus to come lor...then proceed to take the train at t2...while on the way home, learnt something from her...sorry gal, made you lecture me...but then, i appreciated that she did it...her advices are really good...thanks a lot!!! owe you a treat & showing you around bangkok *promise!!!* while at don't know which stop, someone just smsed me..thought it was who cuz' it was an unknown number...inside me was thinking, wth!!! that time got 1 diao person send me christmas greetings without any name when asked who was he/she, didn't reply...wth...diao right??? then now another one...opened & read...the sms said turn to your right..i was like..........wth...what's this person trying to do...mysterious guy ah??? but obviously i know he's on the train la...duh!!! then look around, there isn't anyone in sight that i knew of...then ah ha, i saw him...it was alan aka waikin..xfactor de...wave to him lor...daph asked me why i never go over to say hi, i said, i wave to him liao ma...haha...then can't be go p.s her what...continued our talk lor...

alighted at je she came out, i was like, why are you out...she said, i'm going to imm what...what are you thinking...lols...i thought she going home...sorry la, i got STM!!! plus i wasn't feeling very good le...luckily i got her to accompany me throughout the trip...else, i don't know what will happen man...went to yew tee to do threading...went there yesterday, so confident lei..when i got there, diao, shop close...by then it was too late...i only remembered shit, it's christmas that's why it's not opened!!! lols...wasted trip...went to ntuc buy some biscuits lor...that was yesterday...haha...but today, i really did threading!!! wa, it was so much better than gombak de...although the shape wasn't what i wanted la..but overall still acceptable...the service was damn good!!! offered to apply lotion on your brows once you're done...=D next time i'll go there le...reached home, first thing i heard was go sweep the floor!!! hello, i just came back, can't you see?? heck lor...rested awhile then go bathe...nua lor...then had dinner, watched tv & here i am...watching the 9pm show to keep myself occupied with things...i must make myself extremely busy man!!! i shall become a busy girl...opps...it's raining!! & the rain reminds me of something...hmm...cuz' i don't close windows when it rains...only...hmm...ya...everything will link...i just don't know why...i'll try not to habour those thoughts...i'm trying here alright!!! yeah, i can do it...

to myself
when you fall, don't give up..instead take your time to get yourself up & start again...people would not laugh at you for you had the courage to step out & make the first move...life is not about floating on the sea...the more you float, the further you drift...think of ways to get ashore...not to continue floating...even if you had failed, at least you know that you did tried, it's just that the method doesn't work...
STOP crying...crying won't resolve anything...you can cry but promise to cry just to let it all out & then stop...move on, get ahead in life...remember the CREED TO LIVE BY?? that small poster you bought at mustafa after the breakup...live by that...don't stumble!!! you can do it melissa!!! jiayou!!!

p.s: it seems that there are more people coming to my blog but then, my tagboard is just so quiet..do chat with me la...

Labels: shit and i just started to get dizzy again...

after so much thoughts just now,

i think it's better this way cuz' i didn't know what i wanted...perhaps this was what i really wanted...maybe after doing this, he is really able to do what he wants...he really is free...has his own freedom better than then...i knew that when i started out that conversation, allowing him to hear, it's going to cost me something more...i'm going to hurt myself even more...but do i deserve this...i just wanted to do it so that he can know more friends freely...people think i'm stupid, i'm childish...how they want to think, i can't stop it...this is how i felt...this is my blog...this is my space for venting on...cuz' i have nobody to turn to...

now that this is really over, whether i think too much or not, it doesn't really matter...we really are going to lead our own lives without each other in our minds...i knew the day will arrive...yesterday was the day...perhaps i really wanted this outcome knowing that it's going to cost the chance of getting back together...this way, he can really do what he wants now...as long as he's happy, it's alright...seeing him tell me about what had happened that sun, i can tell that he's really happy...he has never been so happy before...after today, there's no more "he, him, anything to do with him" in my sentence...i must think of the "me, i, myself, all about me" settle myself & finding myself before caring about others...no more sheilding him, no more speaking up for him & no more excuses of him...

melissa, it's now time, you already know this will happen, you expected the outcome...go for it since you want it this way...whether he wants to ignore you, just don't bother...if he really wants you, he would've came back...so now, all you do now is to care about yourself...nothing but you & yourself!!! it's time to wake up & stop all the nonsense & stop putting him in your life first...live for yourself, not him...just take it that he hates you to the core now so that you can really ignore all this...just keep yourself distracted...find things to do....YOU CAN DO IT GIRL!!! this is the last chance for yourself...no more empty promises you kept the last time when you promised that you can do it...these are just words that you said but make sure you will do it...cheer up girl, there are so much things for you to do out there...this is the break you need...jiayou girl!!!!

Labels: soul searching starts now

i am so stupid myself...i ruined a wonderful future ahead...i did something i shouldn't have...that conversation i had with her....sigh...perhaps i really meant for him to hear it cuz' it's how i wanted to end it...i really don't know what i wanted...i screwed everything up...but what puzzled me was why did he flared up? he said i went to check on him....to tell you the truth, when i was at his place, i didn't even touched anything which i'm not supposed to...i didn't check your handphone & i didn't check your labtop...that time, your other msn account, i really saw it while you log in...i really happened to see it...plus, if i really had the time to look, then please, go check your history...the days i came over, go check it & see whether i've checked on you...that's evidence...i know, no mater how much i say, nobody believes me....in fact, i made everyone hate me...

perhaps his friends now, all feels that i'm just no different from ys's ex...so be it...

i just don't understand this fact...even though you knew a girl so be it, i'm not jealous...that time when i found out, i really wasn't jealous at all...last sun, when we went out, i knew it...like you went out with her...cuz' suddnely your mood started to change...you didn't even feel like talking to me...cuz' your day with her was really fun....seriously, i'm glad that you're really happy...you were not that happy while with me...of course, i would want you to be happy...i really am not jealous or have the kind of thinking that the girl was a bitch or anything...i am in no position you see...but then why? you said you're afraid that you'll hurt my feelings...seriously, i won't be...i have to be prepared what even though on the contray, you appear to show me affection & stuff...if it were me in the past, i will lor....but not now...we're all grown ups...like what i say, no matter what i say now can change the fact that everything is over...sigh...i am really a failure...even he tagged & said that...i am a stalker...sigh...

yesterday, i wasn't in the mood cuz' i was thinking real hard...what do you take me for?? here you are so nice & lovey, the next moment like that...that made me not in the mood yesterday...& that made me wanted to say out so loudly about the conversation...which led to what happened now...i wanted to kept quiet about it de...but then...sigh i really couldn't take it...cuz' i don't want to be treated like a spare one...when you get touchy & stuff...sigh...i felt i'm being used just for that...that led me to this disaster...but then again, can i blame anyone?? NO!! but me alone....i caused it & caused so many people to hate me...sigh...

whatever it is, perhaps i have learnt my lesson now...or should i say the god wanted this to happen that was why i did all these...wanted you to hate me & it all came true...

IT'S THE END!!!!

Labels: i am really foolish

yes, finally, i made him hate me...sigh...was walking back home...my dizzy spells came back again...nobody cares...i'm crazy..i love stalking people....i am good at that...people, beware...

i really didn't check your labtop while you were bathing..i really didn't...how i know about all that doesn't really matter for now, i really made you hate me...i screwed my chance of being back together with him..what can i say, serves me right!!! blame nobody...blame yourself...people feel that you're so over possessive...you shouldn't be doing this...he's hiding it all cuz' he said that he cared about my feelings...seriously, i'm not really hurt but just a little disappointed that you didn't tell me...had you told me perhaps none of these will happen...but then again, i must blame nobody...it's all my fault...

i caused him to hurt his sister's heart...it was all a misunderstanding..he thought his sister told me something i shouldn't know...just hope things will patch up...i must have made his family hate me...sigh...all my fault again...no matter how many apologies, everything is just ruined!!! you really hate me to the core...i know it too well...with your character, this is really too much...i deserve it...i finally made you hate me...even when he quarrelled, he still sided me...i know he really cared about me that was why he still protected me...but now, it's over...all over....too late for everything...i got the best actress award...just like how he go the best actor award years ago...perhaps this is how i wanted it to end subcontiously ba...i didn't know it turned out like that..the chance that we will get back together is GONE FOREVER....melissa, you can forget about it...you're not the important person in his life...in fact, you're out of his life now...it's ok...maybe this is a lesson that god did to me so that i can learn from it the hard way...perhaps if this doesn't happen, my ways will still continue & i will never grow up...perhaps i set myself lots of loopholes for him & allow his friends to know about this...that's how it all ended today...serve you right melissa...this is just your desserts...

i really don't blame you...in fact it all started cuz' of me...i just hope that your bond with your family is still as good...i'm sorry...

will update tomorrow...quite disappointed but then...nevermind...i knew something...who you went out with....it's ok...haha...about something...that "drink" you bought..wasn't for your sister...it was for someone else...haha...well...nevermind...still send me all those...hmm...nevermind...the movie you watched...sigh...i thought i could catch it with you, but someone beat me to it...you watch with someone...haha...nevermind...

Labels: i just knew it

went to meet karine to pass me the uniform...omg!!! my uniform was blown away....i had forgotten that recently, the wind is really strong...haha...so nice of her...then we chatted for awhile...she accompanied me to the library to look for books...picked so many but then finally narrowed down to 2 books which are really useful...then went off liao...when at home, started to revise...wa, i realised again that the book too old liao...then all the content inside were all outdated...wanted to do notes de but the chapters were all around..didn't know where to start...nevermind lor...wrote on my book instead lols...then read up a bit...had dinner..about 830pm, went to take a nap to rest my brain...lols...then now here i am just want to blog a little...will be continuing my revision...if he doesn't want me to come over to stay, then i think i should just ignore & go to sleep early as my exams are tomorrow...till now, he hasn't replied...well, that's cuz' i didn't ask him about it...well, it's ok...if by the time i finished my revision, i don't think i'll bother...just sleep at home lor...haha...

yesterday
studied really hard...read up the book i borrowed from the library....then i didn't realise that the things inside are far too detailed le...just kept reading & trying to understand what it was then i realised that it wasn't what i supposed to study lols...stopped of course...then went to meet him...at town...i was late...haha...cuz' i didn't look at the time...met at p.s...accompany him to look for his stuff...went to have lunch at kopitiam then we head off to centrepoint...went to nua there while waiting for sean to finish charging his cell before meeting us...then to heeren...was at the levis store...told him that the buttoned shirt really looks good...buy lor...haah...then sean arrived...bought the shirt & went to cine...wanted to catch a movie but the tickets were selling fast so we didn't watch lor...then head off to gloria jeans cafe to chill...after a day of accompanyment...was really tired...then went to far east...had my haircut...i didn't know why i wanted to cut my hair...i really shouldn't lor...sigh...it sucks!!! they said it's nice...they went to taka to look for his sister's present & he bought some stuff...then met me back when i finished my haircut...head to sean's place to get his car...huey was really cute...omg!!! i suddenly am not afraid of dogs!!! haha...but that's cuz' huey didn't bark!!! then we head off to his place...put his stuff & nua-ed there...while waiting for weiwen to end work...drove to imm pick him up then to east coast where we had seafood...haha..the same place...was really cheap for just 4 of us...then went to marina there...eh..what's the name again...took a few pictures...not bad...haha...very windy there lor...felt so cold...then went to catch people.....haha...then went home ler...chatted with him for awhile then doze off ler...

friday
he said he was looking forward to meeting me...just can't wait...i was like ok...then ate at his place...he bathed liao, did his fashion show...then wait for sean to come...drove us to bedok to eat lols...wanted to stay over but then, the next day he needs to do some prayers & had to wake up early so i never stay lor...plus the next morning need to do revision..haha...so ya....never lor...

Labels: i know what you're doing, i won't be fooled

yesterday

Labels: feeling down when my birthday arrives

i came back yesterday at about quite late...waiting for edward ma...then last to go back =( but nevermind lols...had lotsa fun with my batch mates!!! my DARLINGS!!! haha...it's been a long time since i last flew with them =) i was so happy...

Labels: contented with what i have now