i just don't know why, i couldn't let go...it's really really hard...although now, i'm still telling myself that this is the time for me to relax...stop thinking about him...but till now, i have not attained it yet...in my last post, i told myself i could do it...but then now again, it's all a different thing altogether...sigh...

just now when i woke up in the morning, i was crying again...feeling emotional..i don't know why...here i am trying to be strong & move on & hoping that there would be a day things will be fine & the next day, i'm still back to it again...sigh...how long more can i endure this...i don't know...went to bathe & was still crying...when i'm out of the house on my way to meet daph, i was not in that mood...was listening to some songs...suddenly, i got reminded of him...flashbacks of everything came to my mind...when i was at keat hong station, i suddenly recalled that i used to meet him at that station when we're going out together...until i met daph, everything was fine...we went on later to meet Su at city hall...walked that pathway..didn't had the mood to eat but i just bought something...when we were almost crossing to the other side to continue walking to school, i didn't know that there was a van coming...Su called me but i turn to the right & not left...i almost got hit by the van...sigh...what was on my mind...when i was in class, i really couldn't concentrate...smsed grace...she told me not to think about it & study...i tried but it's hard...

i told her, there was still something, THAT something (which till now i'm still unsure of) that can be solved...it's THAT BARRIER you see...so there's still hope to salvage this relationship...i still see that we can work things out & start again...it's not as if there's something which you can never be together...yeah i know, STOP GIVING EXCUSES...but then again, these are not excuses...they are facts...i'm not lying to myself...i've been through thick & thin with him...i know...THAT something...it's THAT something that's making us going this through again...it's an obstacle to our relationship...

then it was after school, daph had to meet her friend & the rest, we parted our ways to go home...once i parted with them at city hall, i was alone....saw a loving couple in front of me...tears almost rolled...i stopped it...i was reminded of how loving we were on the train the other time...then the train stopped at outram park, i didn't know that everyone has to alight...i closed my eyes & listen to the song ma...then a lady tapped me...she was so nice...i said thank you...sigh...i really didn't know what i was doing...twice liao...almost got hit by a van in the morning & now on my way home, the train...AGONY!!! sigh...when i was in the lift, i shouted out loud i needed him!! i shouted really loud...when i reached home, went to view his profile at friendster...saw his photo...that hair colour...that hairstyle before he went to NS...i missed it so much...sigh...DD!!!

now i'm here still writing this post...

so many things at home is making me think of him...the piglets & the bear bear he caught for me...the photos...sigh...lots of things...the shoes, the clothes & the watch...although the ring's missing...i used to take out the ring when i have to apply hand cream, hair & face moisturizer..sigh but now...i know we had to give each other time, our space of our own...but then, it's hard...i feel so lonely at home...i remembered if i'm having my off days or when i'm not working...during the noon, will sms him & ask him how's his day at camp & whether he has eaten..his reply will always be the same & saying that he wants to sleep after chatting with me cuz' he knows that i want to listen to his voice...then at night, he will call me...afterwhich i told him that i'll use my house phone to call him...then we will chat awhile...saying our misses to each other...sigh...now, every night, i felt so empty...that emptiness is making me crazy!!! every night all i can do is cry...when i have nothing to do all i know is CRY!!! i really didn't have the appetite to have something to eat when i'm hungry...i just have a bite & i'm full just like that...even on board!!! why?!?!?!?

MELISSA LIM WAN QIN!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU ONLY KNOW HOW TO DO??? CRY!!! ARE YOU USELESS OR SOMETHING!!! CAN YOU STOP CRYING!!! IT'S IRRITATING!!!

DD, i remembered how you used to yell at me saying how irritating i was & other stuff...i missed it all!!! i really do!!! although i'm afraid of your fierceness...but somehow, i miss how you yell at me....seriously, i miss your laughter over the phone, at your place...your smile!!! your bed!!! your everything DD!!! do you know i can go as crazy as to cry non-stop if i'm doing nothing? i don't think i can recover from my flu...it's coming back there & then...on top of that, i think i'm going to have fever soon...

things have changed rapidly...sweaty palms, clammy hands, sleepless nights, crying nights, chest pain, headache...i think there's still more to come..but how? how to stop it...it always happen at night...

don't know whether he'll call or sms me tonight...i just hope so...i really missed his voice...

DD, i miss you really deeply!!!! i need you!!!

below is a mtv...when i was watching this, i was crying really badly...